Dear Whole Foods Bag Girl

I guess I do appreciate you putting my groceries away in the same bags I brought you. You are stacking things pretty nicely and avoiding the use of too many bags which I like since I already have too many of the blasted things at home.

Hey, I understand that you might find some of our purchases interesting. I myself am often curious to see what the Frenchman is going to put into our basket so to a certain extent I share your curiosity. You never know what's going to end up in there, it could be something as simple as mache, as unusual as a truffle or as forbiddingly delicious as fois gras.

Curiosity is one thing, however I need to tell you that it is completely unnecessary for you to hold any of our purchases over your head and stare at them into the light as if they were counterfeit 20 dollar bills.

That item currently in your hands over your head, my dear, is just a teeny tiny jar of golden cavier. I realize the color is a little bright, and maybe it offends your need for the monochromatic as demonstrated by your wardrobe. Or perhaps I should intuit by your grimace that you object to its very existence. Maybe eating fish eggs is wrong by your moral standards. I understand. We all have our own sense of what is appropriate to eat. You may be a vegetarian. Some of my best friends are avid carnivores. I am, you see, an omnivore. I won't eat just anything though, I try to limit myself to things that are delicious and despite your disapproving look, let me assure you that the contents of that jar are quite wonderful.

Tomorrow night is New Year's Eve, you may have heard. What is less known is that it is also my 22nd wedding anniversary and in honor of that I intend to eat only things that are delicious. Including that little jar you have finally had the grace to stop squinting at.

Whether or not you approve of my food choices, to which I say to each his own, I would like to remind you of our roles: my job is to buy stuff I enjoy, and your job is to enable me to take it home without feeling embarrassed. I don't judge you by your clothes, tattoos, haircut, piercings or the way you scrunch up your face when you don't like something. But I do judge you by the way you judge my purchases.

Let's start the new year on the right foot, shall we? I won't judge you and you try do a better job of hiding your contempt for me, ok?

As the kids say, peace and love.