Oh darling, you're sooooo smart!
I read an interesting study recently on how we may be over-praising our children about their intelligence. The researchers looked into what happens when you praise children for being smart vs. praising them for the effort they put into their work. Which do you think was more successful?
The whole article is here.
I've pulled a few excerpts:
When parents praise their children’s intelligence, they believe they are providing the solution to this problem. According to a survey conducted by Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart. In and around the New York area, according to my own (admittedly nonscientific) poll, the number is more like 100 percent. Everyone does it, habitually. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short.
But a growing body of research—and a new study from the trenches of the New York public-school system—strongly suggests it might be the other way around. Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it...
...By and large, the literature on praise shows that it can be effective—a positive, motivating force. In one study, University of Notre Dame researchers tested praise’s efficacy on a losing college hockey team. The experiment worked: The team got into the playoffs. But all praise is not equal—and, as Dweck demonstrated, the effects of praise can vary significantly depending on the praise given. To be effective, researchers have found, praise needs to be specific. (The hockey players were specifically complimented on the number of times they checked an opponent.)...
...Students turn to cheating because they haven’t developed a strategy for handling failure. The problem is compounded when a parent ignores a child’s failures and insists he’ll do better next time. Michigan scholar Jennifer Crocker studies this exact scenario and explains that the child may come to believe failure is something so terrible, the family can’t acknowledge its existence. A child deprived of the opportunity to discuss mistakes can’t learn from them...
...Truth be told, while my son was getting along fine under the new praise regime, it was I who was suffering. It turns out that I was the real praise junkie in the family. Praising him for just a particular skill or task felt like I left other parts of him ignored and unappreciated. I recognized that praising him with the universal “You’re great—I’m proud of you” was a way I expressed unconditional love."
Has anyone created a parenting group? That seems like the right place to put a post like this...
Comments
That being said, I could probably be a poster child for smart underachievers. It had nothing to do with my parent's praise and everything to do with the school system I was in, though.
http://parenting.groups.vox.com/
but it'd be weird going around saying "wow look how smart you look".
Stupid people who only get their first B in college...*grumble* (sorry, personal thing)
It's Come to This: Yes, generally agree with your comments. I have a 13 yr old who plays competitive soccer on a "travel" team. There's a difference between playing poorly and losing. If the team plays well, but the other team had more talent - then so be it, you lose. My daughter knows the difference. Hard not to console your own child, however, if they are "stinging" from a loss....no matter how it came about. I think it's OK to discuss a specific part of the game that went well. Usually my daughter will volunteer ideas on how to make adjustments for the next game and recognizes areas that did not go well. Trophies should not be handed out for just showing up - joining a team means giving your best effort all the time - practice and games. Praising a best effort by a child no matter what the endeavor is the right thing to do. I get Karen's point too, though. I'm guilty of providing unconditional praise, on occasion to both my kids. Guess I need to *work* on that.
The irony for me is that a couple of years ago, when it was clear that Cassandre was going to be pretty, I set out to combat the frequent "you're so pretty" remarks with my own "you're so smart." I wanted her to understand that while looks and good hair ;-) are nice, they are not the most important thing.
Flash forward to today, and she has been struggling in 3rd grade. Big time. Like maybe she won't go to 4th grade with her peers.
We've changed her work habits, hired a tutor and are now getting her to understand that just because she doesn't instantly see the answer doesn't mean she can't figure it out. She is learning to concentrate and focus.
Just this morning we had "the brain is a muscle" talk so that she would understand that problem solving is learned and can be developed.
Hoo boy.
Parenthood.
oh and P.s. Awards for just showing up are bullshit.
Yeah, parenthood - what were we thinking (wink wink)...
Good luck Karen.
p.s. happy hearts day
And it turns out that the article agrees with you. However, at the time I thought I was countering something worse: feeling valued for being pretty.
I'm pretty sure that most parents think they are doing the right thing by encouraging little wins to boost self-esteem. So much research up to this point made us worry about making sure our kids had enough. Plus, in our hearts, praise of this kind feels good - like it's the right thing to do, even if it turns out that it might not be.
These days I am trying to focus more on rewarding her for specific things she does, rather than an all-purpose "you're so smart" statement.
We'll see if this doesn't screw things up worse. ;-)
Thanks. It's nice to have people around me who are supportive and encouraging. Parenting is hard work and it is rare when I can feel certain that I'm doing it the "right way." Especially knowing that there is no right way.
Where's my manual?
Anyway, I did make my weird parents group. But so far, I'm the only weirdo there. I'll try to spruce up the place and see if I can't lure in some others.
OK, I promise I'm done!
I disagree. My daughter started with soccer at 5 and 8 years later at 13 she is still playing. We've lived through many types of coaches and soccer "environments": recreational + competitive travel teams. A trophy handed out at 6 to the kid who merely shows up because their parents signed them up for something and they put no effort into any practices or games has no meaning. It's reinforcement of the idea that no effort = a prize anyway, so why bother trying. You might as well give the trophy to the parent for driving them there each week. I'm not saying that a prize is only given to the gifted athletes, far from it. It's the effort of trying whether you just learn how to kick a ball correctly by the end of the season or you scored every goal. That's what should be acknowledged and/or rewarded by the coach.